Helping Our Children Become Better People

As my youngest child, Luke, turns 11, I have been contemplating how we help usher our sons and daughters from "boyhood" and "girlhood" to "manhood" and "womanhood." Long gone are the days of "rites of passage" that created a clear line of delineation between being a child and being an adult. In our changing world of technology and community (how we start and maintain relationships), it is increasingly important that we are firmly grounded in the social skillsets that will make us better people.

I want to impart these things to my children. These are in no way exhaustive list, but, they are a start to help build a foundation of creating the kind of young people that our society can be proud of.

Teach them:

Respect
Foundation to all of our human interactions should be a respect for others. Respect breaks down prejudice and gives us the ability to "hear" and to "learn" from others. When you are predisposed to respecting others, you create a space that honors people for who they are regardless of their race, gender, or social status. Respect imparts dignity to others. When you respect others, they are likely to respect you as well.

Humility
I want my children to be great at everything they do. I also want them to exercise humility in all of their actions. Greatness is diminished by arrogance. When you excel, do it with dignity. When you win, do it with class. Never show anyone up. Act like you have been there before.

Kindness
Kindness is a lost art. Being kind is free. If you are kind to others, you will be repaid with kindness.

Excellence
Anything worth doing is worth doing well. Unfortunately, our world is filled with people who have settled for mediocrity - people who are comfortable being average. In your work and in your life, no matter what you do, do it with excellence and you will excel. If you lack intelligence, you can make up for it with an outstanding attitude - let that be your excellence.

Improve
Commit to becoming better. A better student, a better worker, a better man/woman, a better brother/sister, a better son/daughter, etc. So few people commit themselves to being better. Each month of your life pick an area to develop. You could choose to learn a new language, you could choose to learn a musical instrument, you could choose something artistic or to read a book. What you choose is less important than the idea of choosing to improve yourself. Make yourself into a better person for the world around you.

Volunteer
Nothing helps create perspective quite like volunteering with a cause. Whether you engage in a social justice cause, such as eliminating poverty or sex trafficking, or you work with the elderly, serve in a soup kitchen, or help someone learn to read, connecting yourself to something bigger than yourself is the surest way to be well-grounded. So, pick a cause and get to helping!

Integrity
People are all fallible. Even the most noble among us make mistakes. For me, integrity isn't about not making any mistakes - although we should strive to make a few as possible. Integrity is about being the same person publicly as you are privately. I have heard someone say that you can measure your integrity not by what you do when people are watching but by what you do when no one is watching. So, don't cheat or lie or steal - and if you do, own it quickly and accept the consequences.

Vulnerability
I have learned through Brene Brown that the most courageous people are those who are willing to be the most vulnerable. Vulnerability is not something that many do well. But, to the degree that you are willing to be vulnerable you will be able to both give and receive love.

Thankfulness
Count your blessings. No, really, count them, every day. Take a regular inventory of your blessings and live in a conscious awareness of what you have. Take a moment to express your thanks to someone you interact with and thank all of those who help you in the big and small things.

Positive
People want to be around positive people. Have a positive approach to life and you will always have many friends. You will always face challenges. When you have a positive outlook, overcoming those challenges is so much easier. So, be positive.

Besides those overarching things, I hope my son and daughters:
Be honest*
Live healthy
Remember cheap usually costs more in the long run
Always give people the benefit of the doubt
Don't borrow too often
Never lend to a friend - if they need it and you have it - just give it to them
Smile
Be a great friend
Be loyal
Give a firm handshake
Look people in the eye
Smell the roses
If you wouldn't say it to the person, don't say it behind their back
Don't put it on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram if you wouldn't want everyone to see it



*Boys do be honest - BUT your mom, wife, daughter, sister is ALWAYS the most beautiful woman you know and she NEVER looks fat in that outfit.

Tragedy

The world is broken. Whether it is Newtown, Boston, a personal crisis, or one of the various tragedies that plague our world, it is inevitable that we will have to face, and likely explain, a tragedy to someone who asks "why".

I was deeply moved by Newtown and I am still processing what that should mean for us as we look at issues like gun rights and personal safety.

This week, a couple that I am friends with, Gary and Lisa Black, were faced with the suicide of their 19 year old son Michael. As I saw the news begin to trickle out on social media, my heart sunk with sadness for the loss, for their heartbreak, for their family. How does one bury a child? Particularly an amazing young man like Michael Black.

They are at the front end of this journey and how it will impact their family but I am awestruck by a few things that I have seen in the first few days following this crisis of life and faith.

First, I will tell you that Gary and Lisa are people of faith. It is their faith that undergirds everything in their lives and I believe that it is critical to their ability to process this tragedy.

But, as I watched Gary this week from a distance, I saw a few things that I hope to be able to emulate one day if I face any type of tragedy.

In the face of tragedy, I think an honest expression of heartbreak is real and raw and is healthy to display. Gary has displayed this along with great leadership of his family. Gary is a great father. One need only spend a few minutes with the Black family to see how much love Gary has for Lisa and his children. His leadership clearly sets the tone for how his family will respond this crisis.

I have also been encouraged to watch as Gary has brought his close friends together to help mourn and celebrate Michael and his life. They have focused on what they love about Michael. I think it would be so tempting to isolate in a time of great personal tragedy but friendships are a key to helping us carry the heaviest burdens in our lives.

Gary, if you read this, know that I honor you and who you are as a man and leader. You have impacted many young men by the person you choose to be. Thank you for that and know that everything that made Michael the great young man he was was a result of you being his father.

I am hopeful for the Black family because I know that Gary and Lisa have their hearts, broken as they may be in this moment, in the right place. They understand that life is fragile and complex. They love people well and they lead well.

If you are facing a tragedy of your own, there may be nothing that will quench the anguish of the moment, but know that honesty, openness, vulnerability, faith, and friendships can carry you through.

Please continue to pray for the Black Tribe as they walk this difficult path.

Colors

As I have spent the better part of a year thinking about the way in which we view the world, I am struck by an awareness this evening of how our perspectives can cause us to see only one dimension ideologically. We struggle to see any symmetry or connectedness in those who think or believe differently than us.

When we view ourselves and others, imagine an image of a large sheet stretched out with bold colors. We may see ourselves as a blue sheet and we see ourselves "belonging" with other blue things (In using these colors, I am using them as generic reference points to respresent our ideological mindsets or worldviews). We also see the green sheet and the purple sheet and the yellow sheet and the red sheet and so on.

From this perspective, there is a stark contrast between the various colors and very clear distinctions that magnify our separateness. Additionally, this vantage point makes it easy for us to see where we are incompatible with others.

I would like to propose a different image. It is an image with which we are not conditioned - that of an elaborate tapestry.

Even when looking at a tapestry, we may find identification in particular color patterns or designs within the tapestry.

What I am coming to understand is that the reality of human existence is better understood in the intricacies of a tapestry rather than a monochrome sheet.

Even more intriguing is the idea of the reverse side of the tapestry. The side of the tapestry where the design is not discernable. The side where one cannot clearly separate the colors or designs into distinct groupings.

The beauty of the human experience is that, while we are individuals, our lives are woven together into a wonderful tapestry. On one side, that tapestry may be an indistinguishable tangle but when you flip it over it reveals a harmonious and beautiful creation.

We are art. We are poetry. We are an expression of love knitted together and we are greater than the sum of our parts.

As we dig deep to understand how and why we see the world the way we do, I hope we grow to see ourselves as an interwoven tapestry of likeness and humaness rather than a contrasting disparate creation of separation.

People of the lie....

People of the Lie - it's a book by M. Scott Peck - but aptly stated it is a disposition of the human experience. We all live in a state of suspended disbelief. Suspended disbelief is a state in which we refuse to acknowledge the implausibility of a story in order to allow it to stir us. Think of a magic show for instance. We allow ourselves to be amazed by magic even though we know that the magician is not actually doing magic. Although denying that the magician is actually doing magic is more of an over-the-top example of a much more subtle way that we approach the things we encounter day to day, it is one example of a way we "con" or lie to ourselves to live in the world in which we live.

Why do we lie to ourselves? We lie because the alternative is unbearable. We lie because we want to believe we are better than we are. We lie because telling the truth means that we would need to live our lives in a very different way - and most of us don't want that inconvenience.

I have heard that as much as 90% of the chocolate sold in America is produced by slave labor. Have you ever been to one of those places where they make fudge right in front of you? They turn it into a performance where the fudgemakers actually entertain the crowd and everyone buys fudge or at least taste the samples. Imagine if the scene was slightly different. Imagine if instead of the smiling dramatic performances by skilled fudgemaking entertainers, there were three twelve year old boys who were being beaten as they attempted to make that same fudge. Imagine if, as you were watching, one of the boys tear-filled eyes caught yours in a silent cry for help. Would you still buy that fudge? Would you walk away? Would you try to help? Either way, it makes the idea of the fudge much less appealing.

But, these are truths that we can't know. I don't want to have to decide between my iPad mini (made in factories with mass suicides and massive labor concerns over the years) or making an ethical choice.

We don't want to think about the fact that some of our clothing, our electronics, and our food, passes through the hands of those who are tortured and enslaved. It's easier to live in a state of suspended disbelief.

There is a story in the bible in which Jesus says:
"When I was hungry, you fed me. When I was thirsty, you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, you invited me into your home...."

To me, the modern equivalent to this is how we as a people respond to what we know about the world around us. What are we teaching our children and the world around us about how we live and the choices we make? Are we willing to reshape our lives around choices that are ethical and honoring to other people?

I was trapped in slavery and you rescued me. I was forced to perform as a slave laborer and you chose to buy fair trade.

Knowledge is power and accountability. You know and now you must act.

Here are the alternatives to being people of the lie:
1. Do nothing
2. Begin making changes in how you purchase (fair trade)
3. Share the message
4. Become an activist

#LiveaLegacy

Here is an article on slave chocolate.
Here is an article about conditions where Apple products are made. (This is not just an Apple problem).
Here is an article about modern slavery.