White Misunderstanding

There is a great deal going on in our world and it has been quite some time since my last blog post. It's time.

Having been raised in the south, I have been confronted with racial bias for most of my life. Growing up in the south, you see this on both sides. (I realize that racial tensions globally run far deeper than black and white Americans but that is my frame of reference). By "both" sides, I mean there is animosity coming from both racial groups toward each other.

Philosophically, I have always stood for challenging mind sets and encouraging people to see things from the perspective of the "other" side. I believe that at the core of true growth is understanding. Understanding creates the potential for communication, healing, and ultimately hope for the future.

I have spent many years living and working in communities that are transitional and have broad racial and socioeconomic variation. I have friends of many races that span a wide range economic statuses.

What my white friends, particularly, but not exclusively, my conservative white friends seem to be frustrated with is that they have "bought" hook, line, and sinker every stereotype about the black community. They see much of the urban black community as lazy, thuggish, entitled, and criminal. This is true of some within the inner city black community. But, these are the outliers within the community. Most of the coverage we see of these communities in the news is focused on these parts of the community and it creates a false sense of the community as a whole.

Additionally, many of my white friends feel that the black community does not care about it's own. They feel that black leaders are not advocating within their own communities to speak out and try to stop the violence within their communities. Also, not true. Many black leaders, particularly black clergy members, are actively working to curb violence in their communities.

There are many misconceptions about black welfare mothers and other fallacies about inner city communities.

There was a time in my life when I held many of these misconceptions. It took spending time in the inner city - living there - working with people - for those misconceptions to begin to change. It was a process for me.

I don't want to risk misrepresenting the black viewpoint so I won't pretend to speak for what the black perspective is on white people. I will just say what I have seen first hand.

I have seen black people profiled. I have seen black friends pulled aside a questioned and "roughed up" BECAUSE they are black. Not because they were doing anything that would justify it. I have worked for large corporations that did not look favorably on hiring/promoting black employees. I have listened to extended family members speak ill of black people in ways that they would never do in a public forum but that clearly showed a strong racial bias that I would call racism.

It always frustrates me to see white people get angry when black people express anger over situations like Ferguson - as if the black community is just supposed to sit back and accept it because Michael Brown was a "thug." Thug or not, he was unarmed and he could have been pepper sprayed, or tazed, or anything other than shot and killed. Far too many unarmed black men are shot and killed by police and there is simply no good reason for it.

We would do well in this case to listen with an understanding ear. If you have not been black, then you don't know what it is like to be inherently distrusted. You don't know what it is like to see a woman double-clutch her purse just because you are walking by. You don't know what it is like to see people lock their car doors just because you are walking by. You don't know what it is like to be the first to arrive at the meeting and someone thinks your the clerical help because you are black when you are actually an executive (which happened/happens to a close friend of mine frequently).

You don't have to agree with the violence being committed in Ferguson. Most of the violence is being committed by gangs and thugs - not protestors. There have been many stories of protestors helping to protect businesses and trying to quell the unrest. But, you don't have to agree with it to understand that there are some serious injustices occurring every day at the expense of black people - particularly poor black men.

As a human being, it should make all of us angry. We should stand arm in arm with them and demand better. When one group is marginalized, we all suffer.

Helping Our Children Become Better People

As my youngest child, Luke, turns 11, I have been contemplating how we help usher our sons and daughters from "boyhood" and "girlhood" to "manhood" and "womanhood." Long gone are the days of "rites of passage" that created a clear line of delineation between being a child and being an adult. In our changing world of technology and community (how we start and maintain relationships), it is increasingly important that we are firmly grounded in the social skillsets that will make us better people.

I want to impart these things to my children. These are in no way exhaustive list, but, they are a start to help build a foundation of creating the kind of young people that our society can be proud of.

Teach them:

Respect
Foundation to all of our human interactions should be a respect for others. Respect breaks down prejudice and gives us the ability to "hear" and to "learn" from others. When you are predisposed to respecting others, you create a space that honors people for who they are regardless of their race, gender, or social status. Respect imparts dignity to others. When you respect others, they are likely to respect you as well.

Humility
I want my children to be great at everything they do. I also want them to exercise humility in all of their actions. Greatness is diminished by arrogance. When you excel, do it with dignity. When you win, do it with class. Never show anyone up. Act like you have been there before.

Kindness
Kindness is a lost art. Being kind is free. If you are kind to others, you will be repaid with kindness.

Excellence
Anything worth doing is worth doing well. Unfortunately, our world is filled with people who have settled for mediocrity - people who are comfortable being average. In your work and in your life, no matter what you do, do it with excellence and you will excel. If you lack intelligence, you can make up for it with an outstanding attitude - let that be your excellence.

Improve
Commit to becoming better. A better student, a better worker, a better man/woman, a better brother/sister, a better son/daughter, etc. So few people commit themselves to being better. Each month of your life pick an area to develop. You could choose to learn a new language, you could choose to learn a musical instrument, you could choose something artistic or to read a book. What you choose is less important than the idea of choosing to improve yourself. Make yourself into a better person for the world around you.

Volunteer
Nothing helps create perspective quite like volunteering with a cause. Whether you engage in a social justice cause, such as eliminating poverty or sex trafficking, or you work with the elderly, serve in a soup kitchen, or help someone learn to read, connecting yourself to something bigger than yourself is the surest way to be well-grounded. So, pick a cause and get to helping!

Integrity
People are all fallible. Even the most noble among us make mistakes. For me, integrity isn't about not making any mistakes - although we should strive to make a few as possible. Integrity is about being the same person publicly as you are privately. I have heard someone say that you can measure your integrity not by what you do when people are watching but by what you do when no one is watching. So, don't cheat or lie or steal - and if you do, own it quickly and accept the consequences.

Vulnerability
I have learned through Brene Brown that the most courageous people are those who are willing to be the most vulnerable. Vulnerability is not something that many do well. But, to the degree that you are willing to be vulnerable you will be able to both give and receive love.

Thankfulness
Count your blessings. No, really, count them, every day. Take a regular inventory of your blessings and live in a conscious awareness of what you have. Take a moment to express your thanks to someone you interact with and thank all of those who help you in the big and small things.

Positive
People want to be around positive people. Have a positive approach to life and you will always have many friends. You will always face challenges. When you have a positive outlook, overcoming those challenges is so much easier. So, be positive.

Besides those overarching things, I hope my son and daughters:
Be honest*
Live healthy
Remember cheap usually costs more in the long run
Always give people the benefit of the doubt
Don't borrow too often
Never lend to a friend - if they need it and you have it - just give it to them
Smile
Be a great friend
Be loyal
Give a firm handshake
Look people in the eye
Smell the roses
If you wouldn't say it to the person, don't say it behind their back
Don't put it on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram if you wouldn't want everyone to see it



*Boys do be honest - BUT your mom, wife, daughter, sister is ALWAYS the most beautiful woman you know and she NEVER looks fat in that outfit.

Tragedy

The world is broken. Whether it is Newtown, Boston, a personal crisis, or one of the various tragedies that plague our world, it is inevitable that we will have to face, and likely explain, a tragedy to someone who asks "why".

I was deeply moved by Newtown and I am still processing what that should mean for us as we look at issues like gun rights and personal safety.

This week, a couple that I am friends with, Gary and Lisa Black, were faced with the suicide of their 19 year old son Michael. As I saw the news begin to trickle out on social media, my heart sunk with sadness for the loss, for their heartbreak, for their family. How does one bury a child? Particularly an amazing young man like Michael Black.

They are at the front end of this journey and how it will impact their family but I am awestruck by a few things that I have seen in the first few days following this crisis of life and faith.

First, I will tell you that Gary and Lisa are people of faith. It is their faith that undergirds everything in their lives and I believe that it is critical to their ability to process this tragedy.

But, as I watched Gary this week from a distance, I saw a few things that I hope to be able to emulate one day if I face any type of tragedy.

In the face of tragedy, I think an honest expression of heartbreak is real and raw and is healthy to display. Gary has displayed this along with great leadership of his family. Gary is a great father. One need only spend a few minutes with the Black family to see how much love Gary has for Lisa and his children. His leadership clearly sets the tone for how his family will respond this crisis.

I have also been encouraged to watch as Gary has brought his close friends together to help mourn and celebrate Michael and his life. They have focused on what they love about Michael. I think it would be so tempting to isolate in a time of great personal tragedy but friendships are a key to helping us carry the heaviest burdens in our lives.

Gary, if you read this, know that I honor you and who you are as a man and leader. You have impacted many young men by the person you choose to be. Thank you for that and know that everything that made Michael the great young man he was was a result of you being his father.

I am hopeful for the Black family because I know that Gary and Lisa have their hearts, broken as they may be in this moment, in the right place. They understand that life is fragile and complex. They love people well and they lead well.

If you are facing a tragedy of your own, there may be nothing that will quench the anguish of the moment, but know that honesty, openness, vulnerability, faith, and friendships can carry you through.

Please continue to pray for the Black Tribe as they walk this difficult path.

Colors

As I have spent the better part of a year thinking about the way in which we view the world, I am struck by an awareness this evening of how our perspectives can cause us to see only one dimension ideologically. We struggle to see any symmetry or connectedness in those who think or believe differently than us.

When we view ourselves and others, imagine an image of a large sheet stretched out with bold colors. We may see ourselves as a blue sheet and we see ourselves "belonging" with other blue things (In using these colors, I am using them as generic reference points to respresent our ideological mindsets or worldviews). We also see the green sheet and the purple sheet and the yellow sheet and the red sheet and so on.

From this perspective, there is a stark contrast between the various colors and very clear distinctions that magnify our separateness. Additionally, this vantage point makes it easy for us to see where we are incompatible with others.

I would like to propose a different image. It is an image with which we are not conditioned - that of an elaborate tapestry.

Even when looking at a tapestry, we may find identification in particular color patterns or designs within the tapestry.

What I am coming to understand is that the reality of human existence is better understood in the intricacies of a tapestry rather than a monochrome sheet.

Even more intriguing is the idea of the reverse side of the tapestry. The side of the tapestry where the design is not discernable. The side where one cannot clearly separate the colors or designs into distinct groupings.

The beauty of the human experience is that, while we are individuals, our lives are woven together into a wonderful tapestry. On one side, that tapestry may be an indistinguishable tangle but when you flip it over it reveals a harmonious and beautiful creation.

We are art. We are poetry. We are an expression of love knitted together and we are greater than the sum of our parts.

As we dig deep to understand how and why we see the world the way we do, I hope we grow to see ourselves as an interwoven tapestry of likeness and humaness rather than a contrasting disparate creation of separation.

People of the lie....

People of the Lie - it's a book by M. Scott Peck - but aptly stated it is a disposition of the human experience. We all live in a state of suspended disbelief. Suspended disbelief is a state in which we refuse to acknowledge the implausibility of a story in order to allow it to stir us. Think of a magic show for instance. We allow ourselves to be amazed by magic even though we know that the magician is not actually doing magic. Although denying that the magician is actually doing magic is more of an over-the-top example of a much more subtle way that we approach the things we encounter day to day, it is one example of a way we "con" or lie to ourselves to live in the world in which we live.

Why do we lie to ourselves? We lie because the alternative is unbearable. We lie because we want to believe we are better than we are. We lie because telling the truth means that we would need to live our lives in a very different way - and most of us don't want that inconvenience.

I have heard that as much as 90% of the chocolate sold in America is produced by slave labor. Have you ever been to one of those places where they make fudge right in front of you? They turn it into a performance where the fudgemakers actually entertain the crowd and everyone buys fudge or at least taste the samples. Imagine if the scene was slightly different. Imagine if instead of the smiling dramatic performances by skilled fudgemaking entertainers, there were three twelve year old boys who were being beaten as they attempted to make that same fudge. Imagine if, as you were watching, one of the boys tear-filled eyes caught yours in a silent cry for help. Would you still buy that fudge? Would you walk away? Would you try to help? Either way, it makes the idea of the fudge much less appealing.

But, these are truths that we can't know. I don't want to have to decide between my iPad mini (made in factories with mass suicides and massive labor concerns over the years) or making an ethical choice.

We don't want to think about the fact that some of our clothing, our electronics, and our food, passes through the hands of those who are tortured and enslaved. It's easier to live in a state of suspended disbelief.

There is a story in the bible in which Jesus says:
"When I was hungry, you fed me. When I was thirsty, you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, you invited me into your home...."

To me, the modern equivalent to this is how we as a people respond to what we know about the world around us. What are we teaching our children and the world around us about how we live and the choices we make? Are we willing to reshape our lives around choices that are ethical and honoring to other people?

I was trapped in slavery and you rescued me. I was forced to perform as a slave laborer and you chose to buy fair trade.

Knowledge is power and accountability. You know and now you must act.

Here are the alternatives to being people of the lie:
1. Do nothing
2. Begin making changes in how you purchase (fair trade)
3. Share the message
4. Become an activist

#LiveaLegacy

Here is an article on slave chocolate.
Here is an article about conditions where Apple products are made. (This is not just an Apple problem).
Here is an article about modern slavery.

Everything I ever needed to know about relating I learned from a puppy....

Yes - watching a puppy.

That may sound silly at first thought but the truth is that there are few things in life that will draw more people in than a puppy.

Puppies have boundless enthusiasm and a spirit of joy like nothing else. One of the greatest attributes of a puppy is their exuberance each time they see you. I can walk out of the room from snuggling and playing with my puppy and walk back into the room 5 minutes later and I am greeted with the same level of exuberance.

If you ever want to feel good about yourself, spend some time with a puppy - they give out genuine love. They have so much enthusiasm that it is infectious. Their entire body wiggles with excitement just because they are happy to see you! What could be better than that?

I also love how quickly puppies (dogs in general) forgive. Even when you have to discipline your puppy, just give it 15 seconds and they will be back on your lap licking away. There is something profound in the way a puppy forgives.

It is nearly impossible to be depressed if you are near a puppy.

Imagine what your life and relationships would be like if you had the disposition of a puppy:
1. Boundless joy
2. Infectious enthusiasm
3. Instant forgiveness
4. Unconditional love
5. Loyal

I think puppies/dogs give us a glimpse into what life can be if we live with enthusiasm, love, and joy. If you need to reorient your life around things that are important, watch a puppy - it may help.

Happy New Year!

My evangelical phase is over...(thankfully)

I'm experiencing a major philosophical shift related to my theology. I have been a part of the evangelical "christian" communitiy for 25 years and I am done. I am officially no longer going to refer to myself as evangelical (I haven't felt comfortable in that group for a while anyway).

The reasons are manifold. For many of my evangelical friends, you wouldn't understand where I am and why so there is no point in trying to convince you. For many of my NON-evangelical friends, I feel as though I owe you an explanation and an apology.

Having been raised Roman Catholic, I not only believed in God, I actually made an effort. I prayed, attended church, and tried to engage. My christianity has shaped both my morality and my world view. I am thankful for the foundational values that were instilled in me as a catholic and for the awareness of the bible message that developed in my days as an evangelical. However, the more I come to understand the bible, the less I think that evangelicalism reflects the truths and values that live in the pages of the text.

I became an evangelical when a very close friend, who's family attended an evangelical church, invited me to attend. It was exciting, fun, and the people seemed to be extremely passionate and serious about God. I am a passionate person - as you can tell. I don't like to do things halfway and nothing about this group of people I was exposed to seemed halfway.

As the years passed, I dove in with both feet. I got rid of my non-christian music, stopped watching non-christian movies, broke up with my non-christian girlfriend, and ordered my life around the rules and regs that were part of evangelical christianity. If there is anything in life I can do well, it is conform. I fit well in structures and I am not a rebel by nature.

I decided to attend a christian bible college and I am thankful that there I met my wife and that the course of my life would be reshaped by a few key people.

My friend Adam Marquez played an instrumental role in my life by encouraging me to actually THINK about what I believe and why I believe it.

It was at bible college that I started to see some of the chinks in the evangelical armor. I was always left more than a little unsatisfied the many times that I could not reconcile the things I was reading in the bible with what I was seeing in practice in the churches I had been a part of.

I realize that NOTHING is perfect. There is no system out there, if humans are a part of it, that are without flaws. I am just not in a place where I want to align myself with the flaws of evagelicalism any longer.

To my friends and family who I sat in judgment over in those very early days, I am sorry. I was zealous. It is not an excuse but I was operating out of sincere desire to know God and to have you know God as well. I realize now that I was following a form of God created in an evagelical image that is no more reflective of what God is like than any other image that man has created of God. Please forgive me.

I am still seeking God - I am still passionate about knowing God and understanding God's purpose in our lives. I am now trying to do that through a personal journey and expression that does not get bogged down in the trappings of all that is evangelical.

Evangelicalism has become so entrenched in dogma that is associated with self over community, politics, personal well being, etc that is has lost sight of the fact that our greatest example was one of ultimate sacrifice. Our example is of one who chose to humble and empty himself.

How did we get here? Again, that is a long complex issue...but I am jumping off the train. As the evangelical train chugs full steam ahead, I have a very strong sense that there is a bridge up ahead and it is out....